Healing from miscarriage

Four months and one day ago we found out that our baby, who we thought was 13 weeks along, had died. I had no obvious symptoms of miscarriage, so I was quite shocked when my midwife, who is also my friend, couldn't find the heartbeat at my routine 13 week appointment. Ultrasound confirmed what I had feared, the baby had passed away. Going by how big the baby was, it appeared that he had passed away about ten days before. I can't describe the emotions that flooded Phil and I. I remember when the ultrasound technician put the probe on my abdomen and said, "Yes, I agree, there is no heartbeat." She said it so quick and with no compassion. I remember wanting to stare at the screen, so I could see for myself what I wanted to refuse to believe.  She continued to take measurements and sent me into the waiting room to wait for the midwife. The music playing in the waiting room was the song "I'm just a girl." I wanted to shout to all the people in the room, "Do any of you know or care that my baby is dead?" When my midwife came out in the waiting room to get me she gave me a huge hug. I could tell she had been crying. Phil, myself, and the midwife went into a room where we discussed our options. Before doing that though she prayed.
There were a few options presented to us. First, we could just wait and see if my body would pass the baby on it's own. That was not likely since ten days had already passed. Second, I could take some medication that would get my body to go into labor and deliver the baby at home. That was not a good option since I have a history of hemorrhaging after having a baby. Third option was a D&C. Phil and I decided to think on it and pray about our decision.
We needed to go and pick up our kids, who were at a friends house. I had already texted her and let her know what happened, so when I got to her house she had the kids ready to go and they just hopped in the car. I was worried they would ask me how the appointment was, because I didn't want to tell them until we got home. Thankfully, they were excited about a game they had been playing with their friends, and so they talked the whole way home.
Telling the girls was so hard. How do you tell them?? They were instantly in tears as the news sunk in. Their reactions were quite different as they all processed the news in their own way.
After praying about our decision, and after talking with an OB doctor I work with, the decision was made to have the D&C. I really didn't want to have it done, but was also fearful that I would bleed too much at home. The D&C was scheduled out for two days, which gave me time to process. I didn't want to wait, I wanted to immediately go and get it done, but I know the waiting was good for me.
The day of the D&C came, and I was dreading every single part of it. The nurses in pre-op didn't seem to know why I was there. One of them was so excited for me that I had a TV in my room, since they were busy and had to use space they didn't normally use. I wanted to snap at her that I really didn't care at all about a TV in my room. Instead I think I just started to tear up. Then she told me she knew exactly how I felt, since her daughter had also just had a miscarriage. One side note here, none of us know how a person feels after a loss. We might have experienced similar things, but none of us can say to someone, "I know how you feel," because we don't. We all come from different life circumstances and perspectives. Anyways, going through the routine labs, IV starts, visits from different nurses and anesthesiologist happened, and I felt like I could barely keep a flood of tears and emotions from bursting out. My doctor came in and was so kind to me. She took the time to sit down and review the procedure again. She also walked all the way to the labor unit to get the portable ultrasound for me. I knew the baby had died, and didn't expect to see a heartbeat, but needed to see it one more time. She took her time with the ultrasound, letting me take as long as I wanted to see that the baby didn't have life anymore. When they came to take me to the OR I declined the medication that would make me relax. I didn't want to just block the whole thing out. Saying goodbye to Phil was hard, we both cried. When I got outside the OR door I had a small panic. I saw the prep, the OR room, computers, all which are very familiar to me from working in the OR. I told her to quick give the me medication and that is the last thing I remember.
Waking up in the post-op area I remember feeling so out of it, but it was so comforting to have Phil there. He fed me ice chips, and held my hand while the medications wore off.
We had asked the doctor if we could take the remains home with us, even though we wouldn't get to see them. Before we went home, she brought us a blue towel wrapped in a plastic bag and compassionately handed it to Phil. That moment would hit me very, very hard the next day, after the medications had worn off. I sobbed as I remembered that act, feeling like Phil should have been handed a healthy, crying baby instead of our dead baby.
Friends and family were so kind to us as we healed. I had very little physical discomfort, but was obviously dealing with a lot of emotional healing, all while taking care of the kids. My D&C was on a Friday thankfully, so Phil was home with me for a couple days. After he went back to work, people blessed us with meals, flowers, a hand sewn baby blanket, necklaces, picture frame, cards, Facebook messages and emails. We felt so loved. I truly leaned on the Lord as I fought to make it through each day with a thankful attitude. I was never mad at God, nor do I question His perfect judgement. The bible says that all of our days are written in His book. I don't doubt that. I also believe that He works all things for good, including the loss of our baby.
Going back to work was very difficult, especially since I work on a labor and delivery unit. My first night back I cried multiple times, while trying hard to not let on that anything was bothering me.
I knew the emotional healing would take time, and I was not wrong. Seeing other people who are pregnant, though I am very happy for them, can be hard. Helping with new babies every weekend I work can be hard. Thinking that I should be over 30 weeks pregnant now is hard. Not getting pregnant yet has been hard. Through all of this though, I have felt the love and comfort of the Lord. One verse that really helped me through my loss has been Psalm 34:18: "The Lord is close to the broken hearted, saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Today we finally buried our baby, who we had named Gabriel, which means, "God is my strength." (We don't know if it was a boy or girl, but felt like it was a boy). We had been waiting to bury him for many reasons, primarily because we didn't know where to do it, or what to bury him in. A friend suggested getting a box from Joann Fabrics, so today the kids and I headed there to pick out a box. We took it home, and I painted it white, and then painted his name on it. We all wrote a letter to Gabriel and placed it in the box, and the kids all painted something on the top of the box. Our oldest daughter held the box after we had placed Gabirel inside, and I was instantly brought to tears, because she stood there rocking the box with tears running down her face.  We went outside, read Psalm 139, prayed, then all took turns covering the box with earth.

I don't know why we lost our baby. I don't know why other people do. I don't pretend to understand God's plan right now. But I trust it. I don't need to know all of the details to be ok. God is good, all the time. I am thankful that I got to have the time I did with Gabriel, even though I never got to hold him. And I am thankful for a Savior who died for me, knowing that I will get to rock my baby in heaven someday.

Home Sweet Home

We got home around 1 this morning. We weren't planning on driving so far yesterday ( 870 miles!!) but Levi was doing great in the car and we were ready to get home. Walking in the door felt so weird, it felt like we had been gone forever!

Here are a few stats from our trip:
-We slept in, or had ice cream in 18 different states
-We averaged 147 dollars per day for all of our gas, food, lodging, and entertainment. (This doesn't count the initial cost of the camper)
-we only ate out for lunch or dinner four different times
-we spent $225.60 on tolls
- we drove 4,682 miles
- we were gone 26 days
-we made countless memories!

Thanks for following this journey with us. We feel very blessed to have had this opportunity. Today we got our camper all cleaned out and got started on the huge pile of laundry. It will be weird to sleep in sheets without sand in them, take a shower without frogs, june bugs, and moths flying around, and use a dishwasher instead of a hose.

On our way home

Yesterday we packed up and started for home. I was looking through some of our pictures and it struck me as to how long we have been gone. It's gone by fast! 

On our drive yesterday we saw a sign for the flight 93 memorial, so we decided to stop. I missed a bunch of it because Levi was crying, but it was still an amazing site; a beautiful tribute to the brave men and women who fought back against evil. Phil saw a letter from a mom to her daughter,Nicole Miller, that really touched him. 

In front of this boulder was where the plane was found.

I wonder what it's like for the people of congress to stand there and think of these brave people who saved their lives that day. (I always thought the plane was headed for the White House but the information there said it was the Capitol). It makes me so thankful for the One who sacrificed his life for me!

We ended up making it to Streetsboro, OH last night. We had a bon fire and made s'mores with these huge marshmallows we got. The girls were a sticky mess after. 

It was a nice night, and very hot!! I can see why people get campers with air conditioning!!

DC and a lot of walking!

Our walking shoes are worn out after yesterday, we must have walked at least five miles! We got into DC around 9:30 and headed from the train station to get tickets for the Bureau of engraving. It was quite a walk, and then we found we needed to come back later in the day for the tour. Bummer. We saw the Smithsonian castle so we walked to that. It was beautiful from the outside, but nothing really inside. We then decided to go to the Smithsonian museum of natural history. That was pretty fun, we loved seeing the dinosaurs!! The gem section was pretty amazing too. The only guard we saw all was by the Hope diamond. It was pretty amazing! 

We then walked back to the bureau of engraving and got to go on a free tour. It was so interesting to read and learn about the history of money and how they have made it. No photos were allowed on the tour or loss of your camera, so we didn't try that. They were printing the new 100 dollar bill that day. One of the workers cracked my up- as he was holding a massive stack of 100 dollar notes still uncut he rolled it up and pretended he was going to throw it up to where we were watching. I got a good laugh about that.

After that we headed to the Washington monument, which was under construction after damage in an earthquake. The funny thing is that when Phil and I were in DC 9 years ago it was under construction then too. We let the girls take turns in the stroller since we had so much walking to do!

We then did the Lincoln memorial and the WW2 memorial. It was really hot so we all got a frozen treat. We also saw the  Vietnam memorial. As we walked past it I was struck by how easy it was to pass all of those names so quickly and not really consider what it meant. 

Next we headed for the White House. The girls really wanted to see Bo out on the lawn. No sign of Bo in the back. We walked around to the front and also saw no sign of him. I talked with a secret service agent and asked if Obama ever goes out on the patio and waves. He laughed and said sometimes you can see him out there but he never waves. If I were president I would totally go wave to people!! He also told me you can see Bo outside several times per day. 

After the White House we walked to the train station and headed for Arlington. They really can pack people in those trains like sardines! Thankfully, some kind lady gave me her seat, I was worried I'd  drop Levi. We got out at Arlington and walked to the tomb of the unknown soldier. What a powerful place. I was very overwhelmed with all the graves we passed by on our way. Then, watching the soldiers change guard, I felt so proud of our military. 

After Arlington we were all pretty wiped out, so we skipped going to the pentagon memorial and instead headed back to the campground. We didn't get back until 8:30, but decided to let the kids swim since it was our last night. 

Thus ended our 23rd day of vacation. Today we are heading home!

DC

We got off to a late start this morning, it was nice to not have to rush this. Who needs that while on vacation? Our camp site is very close to a highway, so we slept to the sweet sound of highway noise last night. 

We took the train to DC which went well.

 We first made our way to the smithsonian  museum of air and space. We all enjoyed the exhibits, especially seeing the Wright brothers plane. The kids had fun, but of course didn't want to spend a lot of time reading stuff. We just let them lead and had fun seeing various things. I could spend all day there!

We then headed over to the Capitol, where we had tickets for a tour. The tour was pretty neat, I loved seeing all the paintings in the rotunda and hearing the history of the building.

After the tour we found out we could get a pass to go to the gallery in the House of Representatives. Phil ran over to Michelle Bachmann's office and got us a pass. We then had to wait in a very long line to get into the gallery. Before we got in the line they took all of our stuff away, including phones and cameras. One really fun thing was the line. For real. No cell phone to give to a bored kid. I had tons of fun with the girls writing words on their back. We were laughing so hard, I'm sure we were bothering people in line somewhat. Getting in the actual gallery was somewhat of a disappointment. It was almost empty, only a handful of people listening to a man speak about the administration. I don't even know who he was. We sat there and listened to him for about ten minutes and left. I will say it was very neat to be in the room though, and think of all the decisions and arguments that have been made in that room. 

After the Capitol we headed to the museum of history only to find it closed. We ended up getting on the train and heading back. All the kids wanted to do was swim. We were joking we should have stayed home and swam everyday! 

In all, it was a great day. A lot of walking, but we feel so blessed to be here. Tomorrow is our last day of just visiting a place, we are going to start for home on Saturday. Crazy. 

Night one: DC

We had a lazy morning today. Phil made pancakes and we hung out and let the kids jump on the big jumping pillow the KOA had, which they loved of course. 

We then drove to Richmond, VA to the  holocaust museum. They cautioned against kids going under 11, but we decided to go. The girls all knew about the horrors of the holocaust before, so we felt ok about it. The museum was very well done, and overwhelmingly powerful and emotional. The stories and exhibits were so powerful, I am so glad we went. The girls did good, and have been asking a lot of good questions as a result. This is the only thing I felt I could take a picture of...

Powerful stuff there. Didn't feel I should take pictures.

We then drove to a campsite near DC and got groceries for our last week. Tomorrow we will head into DC to see the sites. 

Have a great night.

Williamsburg, VA

Hello from Williamsburg!!

This morning we were fortunate enough to have my cousin chief Dave give us a tour of his navy destroyer ship. It was unbelievable to see. I loved seeing it and getting the tour, and Phil really loved it! It was very nice of Dave to take time out of his work day to show us around. We are all so thankful for the men and women who serve our country, and it was great to get an up close look at the people and ship. 

After that we headed to Jamestown settlement historical site. We got to go on a tour with a guide for 1.5 hours and learn all about the Indian villages, see a replica of the Jamestown settlement, watch them fire a canon, and see the replicas of the three ships they sailed over on. 

The three ships are still sea worthy, and it was amazing to think of being on those ships for 4.5 months! Interesting to see those after this morning seeing the enormous destroyer ship! We've come a long way!! We were at the Jamestown settlement for 4 hours, then drove to a new campsite. We got the pop up set up right before the heavy rain came thankfully. Dinner was pizzas on the stove and soup. 

We are all pretty tired today, I think the sun wore us out yesterday! 

Have a good night!